A LOVE LETTER TO MY HUSBAND

In my single years, I had “rules”.  Not The Rules of 90’s dating guide fame - although while some of them were crazy, I do think many of those ideas are based on sound logic.  These were just my rules. They summed up as follows:
-Never call a guy I was interested in – unless I was returning a call.  If he called me– then I KNEW that he wanted my company.  I only wanted to talk to guys who were excited to talk to me.  Anything else was a waste of time.
-Never do dinner for a first date.  Coffee or drinks are better – a drink can always become a meal, if all goes well.  If not, you have a natural end point.

-Never go with a group.  Extra people change your read on the chemistry. 
-Always tell someone that you’re going on a first date, and give them the name and phone number of your date.  Then call them when you get back.  It’s a little over cautious, I realize, but in the rare case that something bad happens, you want someone to have a place to start to find you and help. Call me crazy, that’s fine - I don’t think that Natalie Holloway’s mom would think so.  

So this was my mindset back when I met Hubz.  It was about 5 years ago, back in San Diego.   We started a phone relationship that lasted a few months before I had the courage to go on a date with him.  I just LIKED him so much on the phone – and I was worried that meeting would break that spell.

I liked the joking, kind and smart guy who chatted with me so easily.  He didn’t come on too strong, but he didn’t make we wonder if we would talk again either.  I liked him so much that I didn’t want the pressure of a first date to bring out awkward stumbling or shyness.  I liked him so much that I didn’t want the chance of a botched kiss goodnight, or an embarrassing miscommunication to make my heart drop or force me into indifference about whether I saw him again.

In the midst of all of this liking, he kept asking (points!) and I kept demurring…and he kept calling (more points!) and we kept talking.  We both were traveling for our jobs, so that helped stretch out the time we were getting acquainted.  At one point, I remember feeling like we were intimate enough that I could tell him that I was afraid that a date would change our chemistry.  He chuckled warmly and agreed that it could happen  but then gently reminded me that it could also make things even better (major points!).

It can take a lot of self talk to get me out of my own head sometimes.  Out of my head is where my courage lives, along with my sense of whimsy and my belief that I can wear white pants in a flattering way….  So –surprisingly,  on the HOTTEST day of the year, in late July, I was running errands on a Saturday morning and WHAM, I slipped right out of my head.  I impulsively picked up the phone and called him (rule violation).  When he answered, a little surprised that I was reaching out, I said “I just decided that I don’t know what I’m waiting for.  Maybe we should just meet up.  What are you doing RIGHT NOW?”  I could hear the smile in his voice when he said that he was helping a friend move, but could he call when he was done and set up a place to meet?  “Sounds great!”, I answered, still filled with the whimsy and courage and bravado that fueled the call. 

He called at 2:00 – in that "too late for lunch, too early for dinner" period that made it tough to think of where a casual meeting spot would be.  It was too hot for the park or for coffee, and frankly, by the time he called, I had NOTHING to offer in the way of a suggestion.  Desperate not to lose my momentum, I invited him to my house (MAJOR rule violation).  I didn’t know what we were going to do – and I knew it was a potentially tragic risk – but I was also confident that I kinda knew this was a good guy and I was on a roll. 

So, 45 minutes later, we were sitting in my non-air conditioned living room.  Shy (bummer), awkward (fabulous), sweating (awesome!) and unsure of what to do next. My worst fears were materializing.  We ate popsicles to cool off.  We took a walk to check out a new gourmet market that had opened around the corner.  I tried not to let my heart sink when conversation stalled.  We kept smiling and pressing on through the awkwardness.  Ouch.

We were standing at a crosswalk, when it happened.  Hubz teased me about something I had done that amused him.  He was quick, witty and his subtlety was artistic.  My heart leapt.  “Okay”, I thought, “Game on!!”  I tossed a volley back to him – he smiled widely.  Then he took my hand as we crossed the street.  “Should we find some dinner?” I asked. 

I don’t know when, exactly, I was sure that I loved him.  I know when we said it to each other, and I know it didn’t take too long.  By August we were assuming that we were spending time together during the weekends. By November we knew with certainty that we were moving towards marriage. It sounds so fast when I look at the written words, but it was, for the first time in my life, the most natural decision I’ve ever made.  I’ve never regretted, questioned or hesitated about our direction.  And while I may not be the best wife in the world, I want to be – because he certainly deserves it.  I realize I will probably never accomplish that, but I can say with 100% certainty, that the best chance I have in the world, is with him. 

These days it is impossible not to count my blessings.  When I roll over in the night and see him, there, my heart fills with a sense of relief, that I have found him and built this life with him.  When he puts up with my crazy pregnancy hormones so gently and patiently kisses my forehead as I melt into unexplainable tears, I know that God sent him to me and that it’s okay to depend on his presence for the rest of my life.  When our baby kicks and he sees me move my hand to the spot on my belly, his eyes fill with a kind of warm, intense love that literally makes me catch my breath.  I cannot imagine that life has more joy to offer than this.

I know that we’ll have trials ahead.  Life is going to change and that some days, weeks, years, will be better than others.  But I’m still on my path, and, so far, it has led me to such joy and happiness and positive personal growth.  How could I possibly fear my destination as long as he is still holding my hand?