I BELIEVE IN ANGELS

I consider myself a spiritual person. And, while we don’t attend church on a regular basis, I also consider myself a Christian. I have a relationship with God. I speak to Him often and try really hard to remember to do so in thanks more often than when making a request. And I believe in angels.

I believe that those who love us in life do not stop loving us when their time on earth is done. In my way of thinking, those folks become our angels. They watch out for us. They are close by at all times, and they help me, when something doesn’t go as I had hoped, to accept that there is a grand plan at work. I can recover and carry on because I feel that my plan is one that my angels know, and understand and will support me through. They can see the happy ending. They will prop me up and help me to get there.

I talk to my angels as I do to God. It brings me great comfort to envision my grandmothers, together, laughing at my Lucy Ricardo moments, or standing together with comfort and love when I need support. I swear there are times when I can FEEL a palpable increase of love in the room, just before that moment of clarity or calm washes over me. When I can set my shoulders, raise my head and say to myself: “Okay, what’s the next step?”

I have been very blessed in my life to have made it into my 30’s before losing a grandparent. Moreover, all of my grandparents have lived independent and healthy lives that were entirely their own. While the passing of my grandmothers was sudden and somewhat shocking, I take some comfort in knowing that they were healthy and well (and I envision them even having a laugh) on their last day with us.

I come from a long line of smart, resilient and loving women. I grew up hearing the reverence in the voices of my grandparents as they spoke of my great grandmothers. I have so much admiration for both of my grandmothers. They both made raising their children their life’s work. One of them did it “on the road” and maintained comfort and normalcy as the military moved them from state to state and country to country. The other one attended to motherly duties in her home, and then pulled on a pair of boots to help her husband run a ranch, stopping just a half hour before he did, to make sure that dinner was hot and that a cocktail was waiting to help Grandpa relax at the end of his day. They each had their own way of handling hardship, one with quiet grace, the other with laughter. But the strongest impression they made on me was the amount of love they brought into my life. It poured out of them in their warm smiles and tight hugs. It was unmistakable in the way their voices softened and celebrated each time they greeted me. I miss that the most – the world just seems so much colder without that love in it.

It stands to reason to me that a love like that– visible and tangible – is an energy. It can’t just evaporate. It HAS to continue on to some other place in the universe. I know that the love I have for them is unchanged, even if they are no longer on this earth – so perhaps these people are our angels. That love is still flowing between us bridging the distance that separates us.

The end of this year has been tough emotionally. We’ve had a few setbacks and some times of deep sadness – and this week in particular is rough, in part because we are getting reports of the imminent passing of yet another person who is very special to me. Another strong, wise and loving woman whom I admire greatly and strive to be like one day. I have some perspective to what her grandchildren are feeling now – and the ache I feel for them is deep. It is hard to imagine a world without her. It is hard to envision how our family will stay connected in her absence. It is hard to imagine that love leaving our world.

But, when I set my shoulders back and raise my head, I think about the fact that I will someday have another angel in my corner. Another amazing woman with a strong heart and clear vision guiding me along my life’s path. And while the world will be colder without her, I do feel like my future will be a little bit brighter.

In the meantime, I hope that her last days are filled with love, and devoid of pain. I hope that when she gets where she is going, she will look back and feel the love that we all have for her here. That all of the sorrows of her life will be explained and her questions answered.  I believe that HER angels will be there to greet her and I know that one of mine will be there among them.